Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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