Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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