Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
