I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.