We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We are all done wearing pants today
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
