Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
