Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
