So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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