How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Let's get the cat blown out
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