and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
