Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
