We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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