He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
