Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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