She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
