I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
