I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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