woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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