I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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