I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
