No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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