If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
