How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
