I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
ok first of all what the fuck
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
