i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
