May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
