The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
