he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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