Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
In America we eat man semen.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
