I seem to have left my pride at pride
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
