I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
