so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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