...so i touched it.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
