i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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