matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
