im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
