I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
