I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
