when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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