I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
