You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
