you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
