I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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