please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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