I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
