she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
