im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
