i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
