Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
