ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
