I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
