dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
