I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
