I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Boobs are out for the taking
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
