Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
