Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
