garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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