Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
