Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
