Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
