Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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