The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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