hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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